Monday, September 3, 2007

Procrastinators Of The World Unite!

I know how it feels. I truly do.
Labor Day Weekend is over, you’re back at work and there’s nothing in your mailbox but spam, a bevy of Outlook 5 PM mandatory meetings, something from HR explaining why Myspace and Facebook and Craigslist and YouTube and Nerve and Jdate are no longer accessible on the network . It just dawned on you this year is going to be as miserable as the last one. Your hopes for promotion are resting on the unlikely demise of about 17 people and parking still hopelessly sucks. Your boss will likely take credit for all your great work all year long and 6 months from now will give you a bad review nonetheless. The great cheap Thai place across the street has just closed, leaving you with only Subway and Quiznos as lunch options.
Tonight, for the first Happy Hour of the new season, this obnoxious coworker, yes that loud, phony moron from Accounting who has a crush on you, he’s going to wrap his arm uninvited around your shoulders, spray a mist of halitosis-ed spit drops on your face and say : “I know how it feels.”

Yes, life sucks. Truly. Irremediably. Unfairly.

Fortunately, FBC! Is here to help! How? Let me explain how.

First, graciously throw your lukewarm beer in the guy’s face. Smile, apologize, and remove yourself on the pretext of finding napkins somewhere. On the way to said somewhere, stop to talk to the cute guy who’s shyly trying to repress a smile. He’s nice, no? He’s free for lunch tomorrow! And he will encourage you to send your resume out! Now, feel better?
Secondly, what can FBC! do for you? Why, give you a space of *almost* unlimited freedom and unabated democracy to express yourself, in the true pioneering spirit of Web 2.0! That’s right dear reader, FBC! is encouraging you to send submissions for the edification of the masses! They will be regularly posted here under the heading Les Actualités du Monde Libre. In plain English, "News of the Free World". If all goes well, we’re going to start an intellectual proletarian movement to unite the great brotherhood of procrastinators workers of the world and precipitate the overthrow of post-global Capitalism! Let’s sing “C’est la lutte finaaaale! Groupons-nous dès demaaaiiiin L’Internationaaaaale sera le genre humaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!”

There are a few rules. First of all, let’s remain pleasant and civil. FBC! is single-handedly fighting the widespread abuse and lack of manners on Internet. So, no personal attacks please. If you wish to be scathing, so be it but please do it in an elegant 18th century style; your reader should spend more time marveling at how beautifully enchanting your writing is than realize how condescending you are.
Yes, this is where the real beauty of language rests. Truly. You can even add some Latin or Greek quotes to look more pedantic if you wish.
Secondly. You can write about absolutely everything you like, but to make my 2 non-art readers welcome, maybe it’s better not to write too much about art or about the artworld? If you do, please keep it fun.
BTW Annie and Mike, feel free to contribute something too if you wish, please don’t feel intimidated by us weird art people.
In case one of my few French readers (Hi Jessie Bi!) wants to submit something, I’ll post it in French but will kindly write an abstract at the end. Posting can include some shameless self-promotion as long as you don’t neglect to put a bit of a disclaimer, such as: “Hey guys, come to MY opening at Richard Telles where So and So artist is pushing the boundaries of subversion to its extremes with his awesome installation, etc. etc.”

Subjects can range from the hyper obscure but eminently essential band you were playing with when in 7th grade, to that great 1930s science-fiction author no one has heard of, or why your favorite character on Sabrina The Teenage Witch was the maniacally sarcastic fake cat, or how Droog Design is totally over now that Beige is the New Chocolate Brown. You can also write an ode to your favorite neighborhood taco truck (I recommend the one at Olympic and La Brea for your post-Lacma opening cravings. It will help you forget the meh Patina food), or how, if you had to do it all over again you would reincarnate into the Chartreuse Soufflé at Robuchon.
I’m not against a bit of current Pop Culture gossip, but Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears et alii are starting to be a bit passé so I’d appreciate something a bit more original.
If you feel the urge to unleash the monster within – ‘cause we know how it feels, here at FBC!- you can also demonstrate the correct workplace protocol in dealing with recalcitrant Xerox machines or explain why the world would be a better place without Vegan co-workers, but once again, please be fun, creative and gracious. Street fashion trends are welcome, archeological research on say, gaming practices of the late 1980s can be unearthed as well.

In short, be fun, creative, civil and unbridled. Please don’t include too many links as I’m obliged to enter them manually, at least for the time being. Since you all know me you know where to email your submissions, and if you don’t, please drop me a comment below, we’ll arrange something.
Hope to read you soon!

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